The coffin shoes

I bought these shoes on Amazon a few years ago but never used them – they were too big. Now you are using them. Will you wear these trainers in your coffin? Is this the last pair of shoes in your life? Do you ever think about it? Sorry for being brutal but have you chosen your coffin shoes? You said you never wanted to be cremated and wanted to be buried. You clearly need coffin shoes. My great grandmother started thinking about her coffin outfit in her 80s. It’s so sad you have to do it in your 40s.

Lapsang souchong

It’s got a very distinct taste and smell. Not everyone likes it. When you introduced it to me I never believed I could drink it regularly. I can’t say that I do, but I definitely always have it at home. I’ve copied you. You don’t drink it regularly but it’s always there when you want it. Today you said you are now very tired with life and at 89 you want to die. What a brave decision. I guess at this age this sort of decisions come easier. The smell of Lapsang Souchong will always remind me of you.

How do you want to be buried?

Do you want to be cremated? We could offer you medicine. It extends life by three months. It’s your decision. Is it life or suffering that is being extended? You need to think about your will. Do you need one? Take your time, but you’ll also need to inform your mother, children and your ex-wife. You won’t be able to work anymore. Do you have a place to stay? You’ll need to have someone to look after you. Please make sure you make plans for it. Get in touch with Motor Neuron Disease Association. They will help you!

Tired Eastern Europeans

They are both clearly Eastern European. Her face looks tired even after using filters on Instagram. His face looks tired as well. She’s got eastern, blond hair. If she was 10kg lighter one would possibly call her sexy. He’s got a simple and brutal eastern face and is impossibly thin. They both work hard in London so this holiday in Tenerife is well deserved. They post about it on Instagram. Their tired Eastern European faces do not look good on social media. There’s the type of beauty, that should be kept private.

My life is not good

I’m old. I’m tired. I’m not feeling well. My hearing is terrible. I can’t watch tv or make phone calls. I can’t read for more than 30 minutes. Most of the time I sleep while sitting on the sofa. I’m slow. Everything is taking me ages. I’m so sorry about it. I never wanted to trouble you. I’ve got so many questions. I’m concerned about my memory. I forget things. All the time. Did I say that I’m old? Life is no good. I’m too old now. I want to die. I’m ready to die.

Strategic Impossibilism

Each workplace is full of people who are unable to do things because they are waiting for something to be done first. When they learn that they need to do something, they will ask for a detailed explanation of the task. Once that’s provided, they will ask about the strategic importance of this work. Once that is provided, they will question it. Work won’t be done. The discussion will start about how it needs to be done. The blame will be put on the manager who was unable to explain how and why the work needs to be done.

A decade of love will do

She’s in her 60s but still tries to look to impress. Every morning she puts on her makeup and brushes her long black hair. She puts on her tight jeans and starts a day by checking her phone for messages from her friend. They mostly talk via messengers but sometimes he calls her. It’s for these occasions that she needs to look good. It’s a desperate search for love. The longer they talk on the internet, the more she is waiting for him to arrive and save her from the decades of loneliness. Even 10 years with him will do.

To be a director

Do not talk too much. Wear the same suit all the time. Make sure it’s a good suit. Wear the same shirt all the time. Make sure it’s a good shirt. Wear the same shoes all the time. Make sure these are good shoes. Wear a tie. Shave every day and make sure your fringe is always slightly elevated. Do not come to the office too often – simply work from home. Make sure you create an impression that you need peace to focus on the really important stuff. Keep your personal assistant in the office to manage your calendar.

Woman from Santander

A Spanish painter got in touch with me. I don’t remember how. She asked me three questions; two of which were trivial but the last one was about her brain scan. I looked at it and saw changes which could indicate she had cancer. I never told her that because I was in the hospital myself. I need to advise her to see an oncologist ASAP. Can you show me a map of Spain? Yes! From Santander. Her last name was rare and consisted of two words. Can you find her? Does she exist? Or is it just my fantasy?

The day Karl Lagerfeld died

All the newspapers were shouting that Karl Lagerfeld died. We started the day with a quick breakfast – some porridge with fruit and honey. My two years old daughter had chickenpox so we took her to see the doctor. Then we went for a walk on a boulevard full of shops and restaurants along the beach. I could hear Maria Magdalena by Sandra. It always surprises me that people visit this kind of shops selling Chinese versions of branded clothes and massively overpriced rubbish NOT needed for the beach. I wonder if Karl ever thought about that?